which one are you ?????

i go to a bible study every thursday morning. i like it. it seems that no matter how often you read a passage or study it you always get something from it. whether it is something small or big you always get something. well... i had a big realization. i am sure that you all knew this, but i just didn't clue in until this past thursday.

isaiah 2-4 talks alot about pride and vanity. i don't classify myself as vain... but that is just what i think of myself. i never thought of myself as being proud..come on i chose to drive a mini van before i had kids.

well i still don't know how vain i am... i would ask someone to tell me, but i got call high maintenance once and that ticked me off. I would admit to being a little vain, but high maintenance NO i would not classify myself as such.

the proud thing and the minivan thing is soo true, well ok when it comes to my vehicles yes. my goal in life has always to be humble and happy with what i have. I love my life and i am happy. i beg my husband not to buy stuff for me and if soo cheapest of whatever as possible. I just want to make sure that what i have does not make someone into a green monster. i don't like when i turn into one soo i try not to make others stumble.

stuff is not the only thing that you can be proud of....proud of self is a problem. I don't have this problem either. this is arrogance, bloated head, full of themselves, and on and on. I am not like this.

but where i have the most problem is the opposite of arrogance. low self esteem. you might say that this is not a issue of pride. but it is.

pride is defined as absorbed in oneself. when you dwell about how good you think you are or how much you think you suck, you are still absorbed in yourself. your focus is still on YOU.

i struggle with the last one. i don't feel worthy of anything or anyone. but i am still thinking about me all the time. i am too fat, i talk too much, i am too pushy, i am too ugly, i am a bad mom, and on and on. i never saw this as pride. i saw this as humility.

i was wrong. it is the opposite.

instead of dwelling on what is not perfect and not the same as it used to be ( pregnancy does that) i should be dwelling on God. He made me the way He wanted and the way He likes. the funny thing about the whole thing is that in my head i am sure of that, but i still have such trouble letting other people see me as good cause that would be like blowing my head up and making me proud and that is not humble.

you ask me is there a happy medium.......yes, but to find that is only through God. He loves you the perfect amount and if you look towards Him He will help you with your self esteem issues and your pride issues.

so what am i doing....praying and trying my hardest to follow what He wants me to think.

soo which one are you???? low self esteem, too proud , or are you following what God wants you to think about yourself???? be honest.