untitled....too many emotions to put a title to

frustrated
that is what i am most of the time now.
my blood pressure is up and down.
anytime i am at the doctor or hospital it is not a concern
usually 4 hours later it is a concern...i wait another hour or two take it again and again not a concern
frustrating.
i explain this to my doctor she asked if my monitor is right and i explain how it was only a number off of what they got in the hospital.
she is now frustrated
but nothing that her or i can do but keep checking it.
she also knows that i am frustrated so therefore she says that if it goes high again i go to the hospital and we have a baby...not just monitoring
wwoooohoooo
my blood pressure hasn't been high in two days
oh the irony
well that leads to my other emotion.....acceptance
this baby isn't really due till January 5th, i technically have two weeks to go
God has a plan and i have to accept it
in both my other pregnancies once the blood pressure went high it never came back down
there must be a reason why this came down....i just wish i would know this reason.
and then there is the antsy feeling
i am done being huge
done not being comfortable
done not being able to do a lot of things cause this basket ball in front of me
just plain done
so i am antsy and am spending time on my ball and doing a lot of cleaning and laundry(this equals a lot of stairs).
i am carrying low...even my doctor says so
very rarely can i get up from sitting with out pain in my pelvic area
i have had some contractions also....i have had then before with my other kids but they have never moved while the contraction was going on....this one does so i asked the doctor if this was normal...she said yes
so ok i have a quite a few contractions
my doctor touched my belly after this question and said that the muscle that is my uterus is very 'responsive'.
it almost sounded like at the end of my appointment that she doubted i would make it to the 30th.....we will see.
then there is the excitement
i want to know the sex
i want to know the personality
i want to get into a routine
i want to know how elias and zandria will react
i am excited
i am trying to have patience but i am a fehr...if you know any fehrs they don't have patience
i get really grumpy by the end of the day
and i feel really bad that my kids get the short end of the stick when it involves my short patience and super grumpiness
i try my hardest to not be but the hormones are tooo much.....booo.
I NEED THIS BABY OUT
but oh aaaahhhhh yup
that sums up what goes through my mind in a loop about 4 billion times a day
God knows when they baby needs to come out and i have faith in Him.
i keep trying to tell myself that

oops

oops i got my info wrong....
the first number is not the one that gets the doctors worry so much...it is the second number
i went for my appointment this morning
before hand i took my bp and it was 150 over 90
i guess 90 is not good.
it is high and they don't like it.
but i am 37 weeks and as long as they keep a close eye on my and my pressure they don't want to take the baby ....another words my bp isn't that super high yet and the baby is fairly happy
how we know the baby is happy is that i spent a couple of hours in the hospital being monitored
not fun.
had to find someone to watch elias and had to make sure someone was going to pick up zandria from school.
thankfully i have awesome friends near by.
so for now the baby is staying put.
my blood pressure is being monitored by me at home thanks to my mom's bp monitor
i now know the number that is too high
i know the symptoms that i shouldn't have
on monday i was/am scheduled to go in to meet with the anaesthesiologist about the c section.
now i am also going in for another monitoring.
i know that my doctor will be there all weekend and on monday.
we have two christmas gatherings this weekend...three if we really wanted to.
but i will miss what i need to to get this baby out....sorry family
i am not purposefully making my bp go up
i am just going with the flow....i have been in this boat before.

Tomorrow....

tomorrow i have a doctors appointment.
this is the one where i tell her that my blood pressure has gone up.
i am not bothered by this
i have had high blood pressure with both of my other pregnancies
with Zandria it was really high at the end
i am hoping and praying that my blood pressure is high enough for the doctor to want to do the section early but not soo high that it turns out to be an emergency.
i have swelling and tired and a slight head ache but that is about it.
i have been using my mom's blood pressure monitor at home so i know where i am at.
for all you out there that know about bp's if i give you a number you would understand , but for all the rest of us i will explain.
optimal blood pressure is 120 over 75
normal blood pressure for normal people is under 138 over under 85
high is above 138 over above 85
on saturday i had a rough busy day and it checked it and it was 153 over 90
sunday 142 over 89
monday 144 over 90
tuesday 143 over 91
this afternoon 145 over 98
when i was in labour with Zandria it was 191 over 91
really really high. hence i was induced.
i know that i should really hope that my bp goes down but i don't
i just hope and pray it is high enough to get me bumped

the baby is active still
the unfortunate thing is that every time it moves i am in a bit of pain.
i have had some contractions since saturday, but have gotten a little confused or tricked if you will when it moves A LOT and it hurts similar to a contraction but then as soon as it stops moving then the pain goes away.
i think it wants out as much as i want it out.
IT IS TIME

so yeah that is where i am at right now.
i will update tomorrow afternoon hopefully.
my appointment is in the morning

On the way up.....

this past weekend was rough.
i decided that i was done doing hair.
i did 9 hair cuts on saturday.
but thursday at my ob appointment we noticed that my blood pressure has started its way up.
friday my pelvic and hips started to bug me A LOT
so on saturday i spent time on my ball in between hair cuts.
well that made the day rough.
pretty sure that saturday and sunday gave me at least 4 or 5 contractions.
in the 3 days since my dr appointment i have noticed also that i am swelling
swelling usually equals water retention or higher blood pressure.
i checked the blood pressure......sure enough it has gone higher.
talking to my cousin that is a nurse if it goes any higher a call to my dr will be in order.
today has been much better than saturday and sunday.
i also felt a urgent need to pack my bag on saturday.
i did laundry and am packed....but realized that i was lacking a proper nursing bra.
picked on up today.
have decided that i will spend tomorrow cleaning and sitting on my ball, and taking my blood pressure at least once or twice :]
i have an appointment on thursday, if my blood pressure is high in her opinion my c section will be pushed up to the week before christmas, unless i go into labour on my own which i will still have a c section.
so far i think it could still happen but we will see.
all i know now is that my bp is on the way up, not by my choice.
i will take it if it makes it happen early AND i have a healthy baby.
the swelling is on the way up to so yeah no comments on my puffy face.

Confirmation

got confirmation for my c section yesterday.

a little disappointed because it is not the 29th, not the 28th , but the 30th. I know that it is only a day past what we had agreed on, but it makes me disappointed and sad.

the time we have at home together before routine sets in will be very limited. chances are i will be in the hospital till the 2nd then and Zandria already goes back to school on the fourth.

i have to meet with all of the staff at the hospital on the 19th to figure everything out and then after that we are praying that either a space opens up early or i go into labour early...which would result in a kind of emergency c section. Just means that instead of trying to labour, i go in and have the c section right away. this would be ideal....so if you are the praying type please keep me in mind.

i am very immobile right now and this kids is fiercely active. mostly at 5 in the morning like clock work for the last 5 mornings....have a feeling this will stick once it is out in the world too. :( oh well it is pretty calm from like 11 till 5 so not too bad.

well i am nesting and getting ready...trying to trust God that his timing is perfect. really hard for me to do with this....